How do you find the balance between communicating and processing relationship issues vs. taking the time to just live and enjoy life? Recently one of our viewers submitted this question for us to explore on camera.
As you might suspect, both Justin and I have tended to lean toward the continuous processing side (as evidence by the 75+ relationship videos). Yet, we want to have a relationship that has a healthy balance of working through things and taking time to savor life together.
If you are one of those couples that tends to be processing a great deal, ask yourself if these patterns are arising in your “need” to over-communicate:
1. Does one or both of you use relationship issues, drama or challenges as a way to get attention? This is something I have been guilty of on many occasions when I simply was wanting Justin’s attention. Instead of noticing my desire and requesting his loving attention, I would strategically start an argument to get his attention… as unfavorable as it was to get this kind of attention, it still felt good.
2. When you are feeling afraid do you notice a desire to talk… and talk…. and talk some more? For a long time Justin had this pattern of literally “fleeing” into his mind and into his words, instead of presencing that he was simply feeling afraid. Perhaps you have noticed your partner talking about an issue, but you don’t really feel that their communication is landed, grounded, or that they are even fully present. This is a great indicator that they are in a fear response and are thus less likely to arrive at some kind of clarity through the communication.
3. Is your attention consistently oriented towards what is wrong in your relationship? Do you find yourself repeatedly bringing up issues and problems? Welcome back to PDD, Perpetual Dissatisfaction Disorder. If you have PDD (we shot a previous video on this HERE) ask yourself if you are willing to release the idea that you and your partner are self-improvement projects.
The desire to over-communicate about issues can be as much of a distraction from the truth as the desire to “just be.” Many times when I have approached Justin with an issue or concern, I have heard these words, “Juna, why won’t you just let me be??” Sometimes at the core of this statement was an unwillingness, on his part, to get vulnerable or a fear of actually facing the issue at hand.
In our experience, when you are able to land on what is true (that bottom-line wisdom), you are able to support greater clarity and thus support the issue in resolving quickly. Taking the time to land on what is truly going on for you, opens you both to the opportunity to just be.
Our Invitation: By practicing conscious communication skills, the result is that you can get to the truth of what is going more efficiently, and as a result, get to spend longer amounts of time in a state of being and savoring life with your partner. If you find yourself stuck in a repeating argument, practice conscious ranting, seeking outside support, or taking the time to notice what you are actually feeling in this moment, beyond the stories. We are on the journey with you, so feel free to share your ideas and thoughts with us here or at www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship. Do you have a topic you would like us to explore on camera? If so, submit it here: http://dailyrelationship.com/submit-a-topic/.
– Juna & Justin