Are You Afraid to Get Support?

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In this video we explore the importance of getting outside support for your relationship. Often times we can resist this support because of our beliefs around what therapy or relationship coaching means (for example: we are broken, it has gotten really bad, I must have serious issues, etc.). We can also resist it as a denial strategy – sometimes it feels safer not face what is going on. In our experience, getting outside support has been instrumental to the ongoing health of our relationship. We get sessions regularly from therapists, coaches, and mindfulness practitioners. And, we are relationship coaches, available to support you as well! To learn more about the coaching Justin and I offer, check out http://www.DailyRelationship.com/relationship-coaching/. We would be delighted to hear from you!

All our love,

Juna & Justin

Feeling Unworthy of Love

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Do you ever find yourself asking your partner, “Are you sure you really love me?” Or, “Why are you in relationship with me?” Do you ever play sly little games to test how much your partner loves you?

Feelings of unworthiness create a tremendous amount of suffering in relationship. And, when we project our own unworthiness onto our partner, we only increase the suffering, drama and disconnection.

Justin and I are 6 weeks from getting married and big stuff is continuing to come up (as it should – this is a big step). I have been feeling both nuttily excited and increasingly vulnerable. Instead of getting present with my vulnerability, I had been resorting to testing him – to see if he still fully chooses me and if he still fully loves me. Sound familiar?

The other night I was testing Justin again and we decided to get to the bottom of what was arising for me. The core of it is, I have been feeling unworthy of marrying this incredible man. Yep, I said it. Some deep little part of me keeps saying, “How could this amazing man fully choose me given all of my control issues, fears, and manipulative-nut-ball-behaviors??”

Feelings of unworthiness are very common in us human beings. So many of us walk around not feeling good enough. We feel that we are broken or not fully lovable. We make up the story that we can only be truly loved if we are “perfect.” And if we aren’t perfect, we are unlovable. The truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect human. We all got our stuff. True love is our ability to love and accept all parts of yourself and your beloved.

Instead of continuing to project my own unlovability on Justin, I have owned that this is my stuff. I have now made the powerful commitment to fully love all parts of myself – particularly those parts that have been the scariest to love. Each day I place my hand on my belly and imagine flowing love to all those shadow parts within me.

Our Invitation: As you continue to deepen in your relationship, notice how those feelings of unworthiness arise. Do you find yourself asking your partner, “Why do you love me?” Or “Are you sure you love me?” Instead of projecting this on your partner, use it as an opportunity to recommit to loving ALL parts of yourself (yes, that means loving your inner mess too). To see more free videos or to submit a topic for us to explore on video, go to: www.DailyRelationship.com. Sending you our love.

– Juna & Justin

Why Do I Keep Dating the Same Kind of Man?

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Do you find yourself recreating the same kind of relationship over and over again? Are you dating a different person now, but still playing out the same old and tiresome relationship issues?

Recently a viewer of Daily Relationship submitted this topic: “Why is it that I am consistently creating the same kind of relationships over and over again? Men who can’t commit, and who lie, cheat and withhold. I have been doing lots of personal and spiritual growth, yet this is the kind of man who keeps showing up.”

Thank you so much for submitting this topic. This is of service to many people who can relate to this experience. Here are some of our thoughts around this issue….

What if you were able to see that what happened in the past, and what is happening right now, as perfect? Justin and I consistently attempt to look at reality from the context of, “How is this experience perfect right now? How is it supporting my larger awakening?” (FYI, this do not mean acquiescing in an unhealthy or abusive situation, it actually might mean that taking direct and timely action is actually part of your “awakening”). Embracing the larger perfection of what is happening can be a really challenging perspective in the face of being lied to or cheated on… and, as Justin said, sometimes we need to see what we don’t want in order to fully choose what we do want. Sometimes we need to see it consistently to fully choose something different.

Our second offering is the invitation to fully commit to you. When clients of mine share that they consistently create relationships where one or both of them do not fully commit, I ask them if they are fully 100% committed to themselves (thank you Kathlyn Hendricks for this one). Are you fully here with yourself? Some of my clients have even bought rings for themselves and worn them as a symbolic gesture of being committed to themselves. Are you willing to give to yourself that which you most desire in relationship with another? Honesty, transparency, tender caring words, etc. In our experience, making the big commitment to give yourself that which you most want from another, is a huge step in increasing self-love and growing your capacity to attract those that will mirror your deepest feelings about yourself. 

Thank you so much again for submitting a video topic. We appreciate the opportunity to explore in this way, and we both learn so much in the process. If you would like to submit a topic, you can send it here: http://dailyrelationship.com/submit-a-topic/. For more free videos or to share your thoughts with us, check out: www.DailyRelationship.com. Sending so much love!

– Juna & Justin

Feeling Stuck? It’s Time to Get Physical

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The other night Justin came home from work and immediately noticed that I seemed irritated and was keeping my distance from him. When he commented on this, I realized he was correct, I was feeling slightly angry at him and was having the impulse to push him away.

Why was I feeling this? What had happened? Nothing came to mind at all.

I kept wondering about it and then had an idea to physicalize it. Instead of using words to uncover what was going on, the idea was to play with it non-verbally, using my body to discover the root of these feelings. I asked Justin if he was open to trying this with me. He said yes (I LOVE his willingness to try anything). I asked him to stand up in our living room so I could physicalize what I was feeling on the inside. I asked him to become a tree and to solidly stand there. I requested that he not use his arms to push against me, but that I might push against him.

Standing in front of Justin, I opened to all the feelings within me – the irritation and the desire to push him away. I surrendered to these impulses and invited them into physical form by pushing against him using my hands and my whole body. I did this for several minutes and then suddenly found myself sobbing. I then noticed I had an impulse to start pulling him closer while also pushing him away. Suddenly an awareness bubbled up that I was feeling a lot of fear. I said it out loud, “I am feeling afraid of getting married in 10 weeks…. and I 100% want to marry you. I am just feeling afraid of taking this huge step.” When I landed on this deeper truth, my desire to push him away suddenly faded. My whole body relaxed and I simply opened to feeling my fear of taking this HUGE step into marriage.

Justin reminded me that fear is totally natural, especially when taking such a big step like marriage. He shared that he was feeling afraid as well. Instantly I felt so deeply connected to him. We both shared that we feel afraid of continuing to deepen into intimate and vulnerable connection with each other. We both feel afraid of it AND we are continuing to step forward with all of it.

Our Invitation: Sometimes when things come up in relationship, our minds are not quick enough to process it all. The best thing to do is to take yourself out of your mind and play with physicalizing your experience. Getting physical with an issue, if done within a safe and clear container, can support you in getting to the root of what is really going on. There is so much value to going non-verbal and using our bodies to get to the deeper wisdom. We are on the journey with you, so feel free to share your thoughts and ideas with us here or at www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship. Do you have a topic you would like us to explore on camera? Share it here at http://dailyrelationship.com/submit-a-topic/. Thank you!

– Juna & Justin

Spending too much time processing issues in your relationship?

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How do you find the balance between communicating and processing relationship issues vs. taking the time to just live and enjoy life? Recently one of our viewers submitted this question for us to explore on camera.

As you might suspect, both Justin and I have tended to lean toward the continuous processing side (as evidence by the 75+ relationship videos). Yet, we want to have a relationship that has a healthy balance of working through things and taking time to savor life together.

If you are one of those couples that tends to be processing a great deal, ask yourself if these patterns are arising in your “need” to over-communicate:

1. Does one or both of you use relationship issues, drama or challenges as a way to get attention? This is something I have been guilty of on many occasions when I simply was wanting Justin’s attention. Instead of noticing my desire and requesting his loving attention, I would strategically start an argument to get his attention… as unfavorable as it was to get this kind of attention, it still felt good.

2. When you are feeling afraid do you notice a desire to talk… and talk…. and talk some more? For a long time Justin had this pattern of literally “fleeing” into his mind and into his words, instead of presencing that he was simply feeling afraid. Perhaps you have noticed your partner talking about an issue, but you don’t really feel that their communication is landed, grounded, or that they are even fully present. This is a great indicator that they are in a fear response and are thus less likely to arrive at some kind of clarity through the communication.

3. Is your attention consistently oriented towards what is wrong in your relationship? Do you find yourself repeatedly bringing up issues and problems? Welcome back to PDD, Perpetual Dissatisfaction Disorder. If you have PDD (we shot a previous video on this HERE) ask yourself if you are willing to release the idea that you and your partner are self-improvement projects.

The desire to over-communicate about issues can be as much of a distraction from the truth as the desire to “just be.” Many times when I have approached Justin with an issue or concern, I have heard these words, “Juna, why won’t you just let me be??” Sometimes at the core of this statement was an unwillingness, on his part, to get vulnerable or a fear of actually facing the issue at hand.

In our experience, when you are able to land on what is true (that bottom-line wisdom), you are able to support greater clarity and thus support the issue in resolving quickly. Taking the time to land on what is truly going on for you, opens you both to the opportunity to just be.

Our Invitation: By practicing conscious communication skills, the result is that you can get to the truth of what is going more efficiently, and as a result, get to spend longer amounts of time in a state of being and savoring life with your partner. If you find yourself stuck in a repeating argument, practice conscious ranting, seeking outside support, or taking the time to notice what you are actually feeling in this moment, beyond the stories. We are on the journey with you, so feel free to share your ideas and thoughts with us here or at www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship. Do you have a topic you would like us to explore on camera? If so, submit it here: http://dailyrelationship.com/submit-a-topic/.

– Juna & Justin

Is Your Body Trying to Tell You Something?

 

Do you ever feel like there is something going on with your partner, but you don’t quite know what it is? Would you like to learn the most reliable way to recognize what is going on within your partner and yourself?

Justin and I are huge fans of listening to the clues and signals that our body gives us (aka. “body flags”). Our bodies are so smart, they often respond and give us clear signals about what is going on before our minds and thoughts can even catch up. This is why our dear friends Kathlyn Hendricks and Lamara Heartwell are teaching people around the world the art of “body intelligence.”

Case in point this past weekend when I began to experience super knotted shoulders and a tight neck. Then I promptly bit my lip which turned into a nasty canker sore. During the weekend, Justin asked me a few times if I was angry. I would respond with, “No, not at all,” because I truly could not sense any anger. Yesterday, my stiff neck was at an all-time high and Justin persisted, “Hey sweetie, do you really think you’re not angry?” This time I actually took in his feedback, closed my eyes and got curious, was I really angry? As I wondered about it I realized that yes, my body had been trying to tell me that I was angry… I was angry at myself. This truly surprised me, and when I landed on it, it felt completely true. I had overworked myself to make up for taking some days off last week, and my anger was simply an indicator of how I trespassed myself by not taking care of myself. Interestingly enough, after coming to this realization, my tight shoulders/neck symptoms subsided.

As partners we have the opportunity to support each other in being able to see these body flags and come into greater presence around what our body is telling us. These flags might show up in a variety of areas – back of neck, upper shoulders and jaw tends to be where anger festers. Heaviness in chest and collapsed shoulders tends to be an indicator of unexpressed sadness. Butterflies or digestion issues can be an indicator of fear. When you notice body flags it is an opportunity to bring an emotion into greater presence using breath, curiosity and compassionate awareness. Also check out Louise Hay’s “Heal Your Body App” which ties physical symptoms to unresolved emotions. 

Our Invitation: Noticing body flags is a great way to know what is really going on with yourself and your partner. Pay attention to what areas of the body seem to have the most flags and get curious about what your body is trying to tell you. We are on the journey with you and would love to hear your thoughts and ideas on our website, Facebook, and YouTube. Also, if you have a topic that you would like for Justin and I to explore on camera, feel free to submit your requests by following this link: http://dailyrelationship.com/submit-a-topic/. Thank you!

– Juna & Justin

Eliminating Judgement & Comparison in Relationship

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Do you think you are better than your partner? Or do you think that they are better than you because they make more money? Are you more spiritually aware? Are you really smart? What is with this comparison thing in relationship?

This is hard to admit, but early on in our relationship, I judged Justin to be less than me in a variety of ways. It feels truly silly now, but I judged him to be less attuned, less spiritual and not as far along as me on the personal growth track. Then later on as Justin’s brilliance continued to expand I judged him to be better than me. This inner judger and comparer of mine served as a reliable unconscious strategy to squash the massive amount of love that was flowing through our relationship.

Want to kill the flow of love in your relationship? Just judge your partner to be less than or more than you, it works quite well. Seriously.

Judgements are originally born from the things we value and desire most (for some people it might be intelligence, success, money, good looks, personal growth, a great job, a big house, being famous, etc.).  When we value and want these things so much, it is easy to look at the rest of the world from the context of “have” and “have not.” However, judgement comes in as a strategy to make us (our ego) feel better about ourselves, by focusing on how our partner, or others, are lacking in these areas. Seeing others as “less than” positions us as “more than.”

In relationship, we can begin to create a comparison chart in our minds, where we believe ourselves to be “less than” or “more than” our partner. However, when we consistently do this, we actually put each other into boxes and reinforce the behavior/reality we are judging.

How do we shift out of this truly ridiculous game? How do we transcend this limited context of “better than” and “worse than,” and instead open to a context that feels supportive, celebratory, expansive and curious?

What Justin and I have been exploring is being willing to see each other as completely Whole and Brilliant in each and every moment. Are you willing to see your partner (and every human for that matter) as brilliant? Are you willing to see them as truly perfect just the way they are? Once you do this, sit back and be surprised by how they show up. We are on the journey with you, so feel free to share your thoughts or ideas at www.DailyRelationship.com, www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship, and www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you!

​- Juna & Justin​

 

From Neediness to Wholeness

When you are feeling needy or clingy, how do you shift out of it? Do you ever notice that being needy with your partner usually results in greater disconnection?

Neediness has been more of an issue in our relationship lately, in large part because of Justin’s new career, which requires him to be away most of the day (9am-7:30pm 5 days a week). When he comes home in the evenings I notice that I have tended to be more needy and clingy than usual.

Over the last several weeks I have noticed that my clingy behaviors do not seem to turn Justin on. :) Instead, he seems to be lightly (or heavily) repelled by me when I am in “needy mode.” Why is this? It seems obvious, but lets explore it for a moment…

The essence of neediness usually originates from a victim stance, where we feel powerless, helpless or at the affect of what is happening. Neediness also tends to come from a lack consciousness… the idea that there is not enough time, attention, and nor love. The energy of neediness seeks to fill a void of some sort in order to feel whole and sufficient.

Last night when Justin got home from work, instead of getting clingy and needy, I simply made a clear request. I shared that I wanted to create greater depth and intimacy in our relationship. I shared that I wanted to prioritize “together” time, especially now that he is working outside our home. I felt like Justin fully heard me and respected my desires. The end result was greater connection. Through this experience last night, we learned that there is a major difference between having desires from a place of neediness vs. making a clear request around what you want from a place of Wholeness.

We also want to toss the idea that within neediness is an essence gem or desire. The next time you are feeling needy or clingy, ask yourself this, “What is the essence desire here?” Are you willing to share this desire as a clear request, as opposed to getting stuck in victim? When you make a request from a place of neediness vs. a place of power, notice how your partner responds to you.

We want to say a huge thank you to the viewer who shared this video idea with us, and we are certainly open to more video requests from any of our viewers at any time. We would love to hear any of your thoughts and ideas around neediness, as we continue to explore this common relationship issue. We are on the journey with you. For more free videos check out www.DailyRelationship.com, www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship, and www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you!

– Juna & Justin

A Male Apology

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This video pretty much speaks for itself. We usually do write ups with each of our videos, but this one… well, I don’t really have words at the moment. Justin did not tell me what the video topic was and we just turned on the camera and he started speaking. As you can see in the video, I was very surprised by what came out of his mouth. I felt surprised and I feel truly in awe of my incredible man. His ability to demonstrate taking responsibility and apologizing is deeply inspiring.

For more of our videos go to http://www.DailyRelationship.com, http://www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship, and http://www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you dear friends.

– Juna & Justin

Are You Experiencing Perpetual Dissatisfaction Disorder (PDD) in Your Relationship?

Are your thoughts preoccupied with issues, problems or things to fix? Instead of appreciating or enjoying the good stuff in your relationship, do you notice a subtle compulsion to focus on what is not working? Do you use all these “consciousness” tools and techniques to feed your need to consistently improve and fix your relationships?

Welcome to PDD! Perpetual Dissatisfaction Disorder (which we think Justin coined early on in our relationship). If you have PDD you are not alone, it is fairly common in many relationships. It is a way in which we are consistently oriented towards what is wrong and what needs fixing and improvement. This unconscious orientation keeps us from fully appreciating what “is” and hinders us from truly experiencing the good stuff that is going on right now. Yes, we said it… there is likely good stuff happening RIGHT NOW, are you enjoying it?

Shortly after Justin and I moved in together he blurted out, “Juna, you have PDD! You are perpetually dissatisfied and consistently focused on what is wrong!!” I quickly retorted that if I had PDD, then he had ICD (Inappropriate Comments Disorder). We had a little chuckle over that. :)

PDD still arises in our relationship and at this point I am retraining my mind to focus on what is working. The other night I came home with a reveal for Justin. I felt upset about something that had occurred earlier in the day. He received my feedback and appreciated my reveal. Yet he couldn’t quite shake the feeling that I was stuck in an old PDD pattern. We decided to try an experiment. We agreed for one whole week to commit to focus on what is working and practice the art of appreciation and enjoyment. Please join us and share what you learn and experience.

This morning I asked Justin how he is participating to co-create this experience of PDD with me. Justin realized that he has had many relationships with partners and family where there was a consistent focus on issues, problems and fixing. He realized that his Peacekeeper persona requires problems in order to help others in need.

Our Invitation: Are you or your partner experiencing some PDD? Join us for one week of experiencing appreciation, enjoyment and focusing on what is working. If your partner has PDD ask yourself how you might be co-creating this experience with them? We are on the journey with you, so feel free to share your thoughts or comments on www.DailyRelationship.com, www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship and www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you.

– Juna & Justin

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