Eliminating Judgement & Comparison in Relationship

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Do you think you are better than your partner? Or do you think that they are better than you because they make more money? Are you more spiritually aware? Are you really smart? What is with this comparison thing in relationship?

This is hard to admit, but early on in our relationship, I judged Justin to be less than me in a variety of ways. It feels truly silly now, but I judged him to be less attuned, less spiritual and not as far along as me on the personal growth track. Then later on as Justin’s brilliance continued to expand I judged him to be better than me. This inner judger and comparer of mine served as a reliable unconscious strategy to squash the massive amount of love that was flowing through our relationship.

Want to kill the flow of love in your relationship? Just judge your partner to be less than or more than you, it works quite well. Seriously.

Judgements are originally born from the things we value and desire most (for some people it might be intelligence, success, money, good looks, personal growth, a great job, a big house, being famous, etc.).  When we value and want these things so much, it is easy to look at the rest of the world from the context of “have” and “have not.” However, judgement comes in as a strategy to make us (our ego) feel better about ourselves, by focusing on how our partner, or others, are lacking in these areas. Seeing others as “less than” positions us as “more than.”

In relationship, we can begin to create a comparison chart in our minds, where we believe ourselves to be “less than” or “more than” our partner. However, when we consistently do this, we actually put each other into boxes and reinforce the behavior/reality we are judging.

How do we shift out of this truly ridiculous game? How do we transcend this limited context of “better than” and “worse than,” and instead open to a context that feels supportive, celebratory, expansive and curious?

What Justin and I have been exploring is being willing to see each other as completely Whole and Brilliant in each and every moment. Are you willing to see your partner (and every human for that matter) as brilliant? Are you willing to see them as truly perfect just the way they are? Once you do this, sit back and be surprised by how they show up. We are on the journey with you, so feel free to share your thoughts or ideas at www.DailyRelationship.com, www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship, and www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you!

​- Juna & Justin​

 

From Neediness to Wholeness

When you are feeling needy or clingy, how do you shift out of it? Do you ever notice that being needy with your partner usually results in greater disconnection?

Neediness has been more of an issue in our relationship lately, in large part because of Justin’s new career, which requires him to be away most of the day (9am-7:30pm 5 days a week). When he comes home in the evenings I notice that I have tended to be more needy and clingy than usual.

Over the last several weeks I have noticed that my clingy behaviors do not seem to turn Justin on. :) Instead, he seems to be lightly (or heavily) repelled by me when I am in “needy mode.” Why is this? It seems obvious, but lets explore it for a moment…

The essence of neediness usually originates from a victim stance, where we feel powerless, helpless or at the affect of what is happening. Neediness also tends to come from a lack consciousness… the idea that there is not enough time, attention, and nor love. The energy of neediness seeks to fill a void of some sort in order to feel whole and sufficient.

Last night when Justin got home from work, instead of getting clingy and needy, I simply made a clear request. I shared that I wanted to create greater depth and intimacy in our relationship. I shared that I wanted to prioritize “together” time, especially now that he is working outside our home. I felt like Justin fully heard me and respected my desires. The end result was greater connection. Through this experience last night, we learned that there is a major difference between having desires from a place of neediness vs. making a clear request around what you want from a place of Wholeness.

We also want to toss the idea that within neediness is an essence gem or desire. The next time you are feeling needy or clingy, ask yourself this, “What is the essence desire here?” Are you willing to share this desire as a clear request, as opposed to getting stuck in victim? When you make a request from a place of neediness vs. a place of power, notice how your partner responds to you.

We want to say a huge thank you to the viewer who shared this video idea with us, and we are certainly open to more video requests from any of our viewers at any time. We would love to hear any of your thoughts and ideas around neediness, as we continue to explore this common relationship issue. We are on the journey with you. For more free videos check out www.DailyRelationship.com, www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship, and www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you!

- Juna & Justin

A Male Apology

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This video pretty much speaks for itself. We usually do write ups with each of our videos, but this one… well, I don’t really have words at the moment. Justin did not tell me what the video topic was and we just turned on the camera and he started speaking. As you can see in the video, I was very surprised by what came out of his mouth. I felt surprised and I feel truly in awe of my incredible man. His ability to demonstrate taking responsibility and apologizing is deeply inspiring.

For more of our videos go to http://www.DailyRelationship.com, http://www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship, and http://www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you dear friends.

- Juna & Justin

Are You Experiencing Perpetual Dissatisfaction Disorder (PDD) in Your Relationship?

Are your thoughts preoccupied with issues, problems or things to fix? Instead of appreciating or enjoying the good stuff in your relationship, do you notice a subtle compulsion to focus on what is not working? Do you use all these “consciousness” tools and techniques to feed your need to consistently improve and fix your relationships?

Welcome to PDD! Perpetual Dissatisfaction Disorder (which we think Justin coined early on in our relationship). If you have PDD you are not alone, it is fairly common in many relationships. It is a way in which we are consistently oriented towards what is wrong and what needs fixing and improvement. This unconscious orientation keeps us from fully appreciating what “is” and hinders us from truly experiencing the good stuff that is going on right now. Yes, we said it… there is likely good stuff happening RIGHT NOW, are you enjoying it?

Shortly after Justin and I moved in together he blurted out, “Juna, you have PDD! You are perpetually dissatisfied and consistently focused on what is wrong!!” I quickly retorted that if I had PDD, then he had ICD (Inappropriate Comments Disorder). We had a little chuckle over that. :)

PDD still arises in our relationship and at this point I am retraining my mind to focus on what is working. The other night I came home with a reveal for Justin. I felt upset about something that had occurred earlier in the day. He received my feedback and appreciated my reveal. Yet he couldn’t quite shake the feeling that I was stuck in an old PDD pattern. We decided to try an experiment. We agreed for one whole week to commit to focus on what is working and practice the art of appreciation and enjoyment. Please join us and share what you learn and experience.

This morning I asked Justin how he is participating to co-create this experience of PDD with me. Justin realized that he has had many relationships with partners and family where there was a consistent focus on issues, problems and fixing. He realized that his Peacekeeper persona requires problems in order to help others in need.

Our Invitation: Are you or your partner experiencing some PDD? Join us for one week of experiencing appreciation, enjoyment and focusing on what is working. If your partner has PDD ask yourself how you might be co-creating this experience with them? We are on the journey with you, so feel free to share your thoughts or comments on www.DailyRelationship.com, www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship and www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you.

- Juna & Justin

A Simple & Effective Way to Reduce Drama in Relationship

 

When your partner is stuck and begins to get dramatic, do you enter the drama vortex with them? Or are you able to support them without getting entangled in their stuff?

The other day I was having big feelings and got hooked into a wee bit of drama. As I was allowing myself to fall into the rabbit hole, I noticed (and Justin pointed out) that I was trying to bring Justin down with me. What is it about drama that we just want to bring everyone with us into crazy town?

This time, Justin was not going for it. Instead he was sitting casually on the couch, breathing, grinning lovingly in my direction and offering support…. buddha on the mountain-top.  After a short few minutes, and with his support, I was able to shift out of my drama state and back into presence. The following day Justin and I celebrated how quickly I was able to shift, in large part because of his ability to not go down the rabbit hole with me. 

Early on in our relationship Justin’s highly developed “peacekeeper” (that need to fix and help everyone at the expense of himself) would get him caught up in my drama, issues or emotional states. Now when stuff comes up for me he recognizes it’s ok that I am having feelings. Feelings are simply energy in motion, even if they are uncomfortable there is nothing to be “fixed” when feelings arise.

So how do you support your partner and take care of yourself when they are caught up in drama?

1. Remember that this is their stuff, not yours. Remind yourself that they are simply having feelings and though they may be uncomfortable, it is ok for your partner to have feelings.

2. BREATHE. The other day when I was committed to drama, Justin brought his awareness inside, took some deep breaths, then took some more. Just this simple act supported him in staying present with himself, and not losing himself to my emotional state. Often when we go into drama (our own or someone else’s) we stop breathing.

Our Invitation: In relationship, inevitably there are times when someone has stuff come up. When that happens you have a choice to support your partner from a state of compassion and presence (if and only if they are willing), or you can dive into the drama with them. Take a moment to bring your awareness inside and take some easy breaths, and remind yourself that this is simply their stuff and they will be ok. Notice how you taking this time to be present with yourself supports your partner in shifting that much more quickly. We are on the journey with you so feel free to share your thoughts and comments on http://www.DailyRelationship.com, http://www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship, http://www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you!

- Juna & Justin

The Big Question: Are We Going to Have Kids?

Not 100% sure if you want kids? Do you want kids but your partner doesn’t? Or vice versa? How do we make one of the biggest decisions of our life with another person? How do we make this huge decision knowing that the clock is ticking?

Ever since Justin and I got engaged, people have been asking us, “When are you going to have kids?” For us, having kids is not a given. At this point, there is a part of us that wants kids and part of us that doesn’t. How do we reconcile that given that we have a limited time frame to work with?

I am going to be 35 years young this May and we are facing the reality that I am approaching the age where there can be higher chances of complications, so it is important to gain some clarity about the baby thing.

We are not the kind of couple that is going to do it because everyone else does it, or because our mom’s would really really love it. Instead we recognize that this is a HUGE decision and we want to both have a 100% yes if we were going to do it. We feel that this is especially important given that we are going to be living on a planet with a population of 9 billion by 2040.

For Justin, he has always envisioned that he would have a kid one day. To create a being and watch it grow up has been something he has always desired. Yet at the same time, one of the things he values most is his freedom – the ability to travel and explore the world on a whim. He is asking himself if he would lose some of his freedom if we had a baby.

For me, I am watching many of my dearest friends making babies and falling deeply in love with this precious being that they co-created with their partner. It is truly a miracle. A miracle that I am afraid to miss out on. But when I think about the logistics of raising a child for 18 years, bringing a third person into our relationship and shifting my focus (at least temporarily) from growing my business to baby making… well, I feel scared and uncertain. Unlike some of my friends, I have never had that deep knowing that I am meant to be a mom.

At this point, Justin and I have decided to keep the conversation open and flowing. We don’t know if we are going to have kids, but we love the idea of having the option if we do become clear. Do we freeze my eggs? Do we adopt some day? We are not sure and we are wondering out loud and on camera in the hopes that our exploration will be of service to other couples that are in the same boat.

Our Invitation: Initiate the conversation with your partner. We have seen some people not enter relationship knowing that they are not aligned about having kids. If you are already in relationship, talk about all the reasons you do and do not want a child. Talk about your fears. Get current with each other and make a commitment to stay current with each other. Our desires may change over time and it is important to share them when they become clear – especially when it comes to such a big life decision. We are on the journey with you, so feel free to share your thoughts or comments with us at www.DailyRelationship.com, www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship, and www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you dear friends.

- Juna & Justin

Are You Angry or Really Just Afraid?

In your relationship, are you able to discern the difference between genuine anger and fear? When your partner is acting a little mean or seems angry, do you ever wonder if they are simply afraid?

On Saturday morning Justin started talking to me in a critical tone. He seemed angry at me and was acting a little mean. This surprised me, Justin is rarely mean (thank my lucky stars). I called it to his attention, “he sweetie, you seem angry at me right now and you are being mean. What do you think is actually going on?” ~ By the way, this is something I so appreciate about my man, when I offer feedback or a perspective, he pauses and lets the feedback in to see what is true. What was true is that I had been sick for over a week and Justin was actually afraid of getting my cold. He presenced this and said, “Oh, I am feeling afraid right now of getting sick.” This simple awareness shifted him out of the fight response and back into presence.

In relationship this is a key. Often times when you are perceiving that your partner is angry with you, they are actually just afraid. This is the secret of the fight response, it is not genuine anger, it is fear. We have found that one of the primary ways to shift out of “fight” is to pause, claim out loud that you are simply feeling afraid and allow yourself to feel your fear. When we are not aware of what we are feeling or we are trying to escape our feelings, we are in reaction and thus more likely to do one of the “fear responses.”

We all react to fear in different ways. When we experience fear, some of us Freeze up (can’t move or make a choice), others Flee (leave the room physically, emotionally or both), sometimes we Faint (get spacey, dumb, or suddenly tired), or we Fight (suddenly get angry, ready to attack verbally or physically). So which of these fear responses is most familiar to you? Freeze, Flee, Faint or Fight?

Our Invitation: Next time you are feeling angry, pause and ask yourself if you are actually angry or if you are simply feeling afraid. Notice how just taking a moment to breathe and ask yourself this question brings you into greater presence with yourself and your feelings. Notice how any fear may began to subside when you come into presence.  We are on the journey with you, so feel free to share your thoughts or questions on www.DailyRelationship.com, www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship or at www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you and big love to you all!

- Juna & Justin

When Things Are So Good, It’s Scary

When things in your life or relationship are flowing and going really well, do you ever have a sudden sense that something bad is going to happen? Do you notice how those little doomsday thoughts actually keep you from feeling all the positive energy you were just experiencing?

Over the last several days both Justin and I have been feeling panicked. We have had trouble sleeping at night and overall we have been experiencing a sense of dread. A weird sense that something very bad is about to happen (a tsunami, losing our house, earthquake, job loss, a killer rabbit underneath our bed, etc.). Why have we been feeling all of this? Because… things are going exceptionally well. :)

As we were preparing to move out of our home, out of nowhere Justin was offered a great new job opportunity. We were stunned. We decided not move to Bali for 5 months and instead to continue living here in Marin. For the first time in our relationship both Justin and I are thriving individually. Woohoo! Over the past 2+ years of our relationship, either Justin was thriving and I was struggling, or I was thriving and he was facing challenges. This current situation felt very foreign and immediately we both noticed this compulsion to focus on what might go wrong.

Welcome back to the upper limit problem! For those of you who have not seen our previous videos on the topic, the Upper Limit Problem was developed by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks. It is the idea that we all have a threshold for how much joy and positive energy we can experience before we “upper limit,” or in other words, we get scared and unconsciously create a reason to bring ourselves back down to a more comfortable or familiar reality.

Through facing our most recent desire to upper limit, we both have been recognizing deeper and deeper layers of how we are attached to struggling or living in a state of fear/challenge. We are seeing how a part of us feels somehow safer when something is “wrong.”

Both Justin and I are playing with asking ourselves this, “What if everything is ok?”  With lots of breath, we are inviting ourselves to simply receive the gifts that are happening all around us right now. As we practice the art of enjoying this moment, we are also aware that all of it can change, as change is the only constant in life. The trick is to not allow this awareness to keep us from fully being and luxuriating in this amazing moment.

Our Invitation: When things are going really well, notice how fear or anxiety arises and you begin to brace for something to go wrong. You are simply upper limiting! Some part of you has gotten afraid of all this positive energy and you are bringing yourself back down into a more manageable zone of existence. What if you could enjoy this state a little more? What if you knew, on a deeper level, that you were ok no matter what? Take some time this week to breathe into the awareness that you are perfectly ok, no matter what life is serving up. We are on the journey with you, so feel free to share your thoughts, questions or ideas at www.DailyRelationship.com, www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship, or www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you and big love!!

- Juna & Justin

Navigating Big Choice Points Together

In partnership, how do you navigate big choice points together, especially when both of you might have very different desires? For example: If one person wants to have a child and the other does not? Or if one person gets a job offer in another city or state, which means relocating far away from friends and family? How do couples make these big decisions in a way that truly serves both of you?

Recently Justin and I faced into our first large choice point in relationship. Over the last few months Justin chose to let go of one of the primary companies he had been working on. He knew that he could just jump back into the work force, but he started getting curious about what he most desires to experience at this point in his life. After taking some time, he got clear that he wants to work only part time for 6 months and take a break for some spiritual renewal. He shared that his desire was for us to move to Bali so that we could still live quite well while he took this break.

When Justin shared this with me I felt scared, but I also felt how true this was for him. I could feel in my bones how good it was for him to take this break and to create some time to discover who he is and what he wants. However, without his full time income we soon realized that we would not be able to afford our rental in beautiful Marin County. We love our home, I absolutely love where we live, and over the last 6 months my business has been thriving. My heart felt torn. I felt like we were stuck in an “either/or.” Either we go to Bali and give Justin this time, but I compromise my desire. Or we stay in Marin, Justin jumps back into full-time work and he does not get this much needed break.

When Justin shared his desire to take this break… some part of me just decided, “ok, I guess we are going to Bali for 5 months, because this is what Justin wants and needs.” This is what we call a “hero move” on the drama triangle, which is a set up for drama. I bypassed the part of me that truly desired to tune in so that I could sense what I really wanted in all of this. As a result, over the next few weeks, I started to notice myself getting angry and starting to blame Justin. Finally it dawned on me that I had not fully landed on my choice. So I retracted all the decisions I had made and took some time to wonder into what I most wanted in all of this.

How do we truly come from choice when making a big decision? What I was noticing was my tendency to come from fear as I was making this choice. Yet, when we are in fear, we are not truly in choice – we are not landed in the truth of ourselves. As the fear began to fade and I took time to come back into myself, I could see all the exciting and unlimited options available to both of us. In the end, I landed on my clear choice to move to Bali for 5 months with my man! Had I not taken this time to come from choice, we may still have moved to Bali, but I believe it would have been a set up for drama because I was not fully landed in the decision. I now feel super duper excited about this choice that we are making together.  I feel like we are on an exciting and magical adventure with each other!

Our Invitation:  Next time a big choice point arises in your relationship,  notice your tendency to want to make your decisions from a place of fear, as opposed to full, clear-seeing choice. Instead of hastily making choices that might be a convenience for your partner or your relationship, take some time to tune into yourself, get curious about what you most truly desire. Notice how taking this time supports you in seeing all the many options that are available to both of you. We are on the journey with you. Feel free to share your thoughts or questions on www.DailyRelationship.comwww.facebook.com/DailyRelationship, and www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Happy New Year!!

- Juna & Justin

When Commitment Means Freedom

When you think about the idea of a committed relationship do you imagine feeling free and soaring in all areas of your life? Or do you imagine feeling tied down, boxed in and suffocated by your partner’s needs and desires?

Over the last many months, both Justin and I have felt that something has been in the way of us deepening into connection as we move towards getting married (only 6 months away). As we inquired into this, we found the source- Justin’s fear of losing freedom. Justin owned that he was terrified of commitment and even more terrified of getting married, because in his mind he equated commitment with loss of freedom.

We imagine this is a fear many people have as they first enter relationship, as they go deeper into their commitment with each other, and certainly as they step forward into marriage.

First off, I felt my whole body relax the moment Justin first owned his fears and recognized this belief about commitment. It never ceases to amaze me how deeply my body responds to truth, regardless of what “truth” is spoken. When we are fully committed to truth in our personal lives and relationships, it is truth that generates the deepest form of connection, always.

Through bringing his fears to the surface, Justin spent some time uncovering their source, and getting clear about what he most wants in our partnership. During a relationship coaching session this week, Justin shared with me, “Juna, I want to feel fully free in our relationship. I want you to thrive and I want to thrive in our relationship. I don’t want you to ever need me, or to ever think you can’t live your life without me. I want to choose each other, but not need each other. I want us to be two Whole beings who have come together to share our lives.” I felt overjoyed. I felt a huge yes for creating this together. I felt scared too. What does this all mean? How do I do this? In that moment, and the many moments since, I have reminded myself, “I don’t know how to do all of this, and I am wholeheartedly willing.”

Right now we exploring feeling fully free while in a committed relationship. How can marriage symbolize freedom? Expansion? Do not mistake “freedom” for a lack of container, or a lack of agreements. Justin and I have tons of incredible relationship agreements, and we see that these agreements support us in fully thriving, expanding and soaring.

Since we have made this agreement to always support each other’s freedom, we both have been feeling deeply connected and more in love than ever before. We feel a new foundation is growing below our relationship, deeply holding us in all that we most want to experience and create. For the first time in many months, we are looking ahead at marriage with excitement and joy.

Our Invitation: If you are facing into deepening your commitment with your partner, notice that voice within you that tells you that commitment equals a lack of freedom. Face any fears you have about commitment, explore their source and be willing to share them with your partner. Play with exploring how powerful relationship agreements are, that they can actually support you in feeling more free. Play with taking on the idea that partnership or marriage can truly mean Freedom. We are on the journey with you. Feel free to share your thoughts or questions on www.DailyRelationship.com, www.facebook.com/DailyRelationship, and www.youtube.com/DailyRelationship. Thank you!!

- Juna & Justin

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